


Mograine's Migraines

by cptcuddlepants



Category: World of Warcraft
Genre: Chatting & Messaging, Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-09-08
Updated: 2016-11-09
Packaged: 2018-08-13 22:53:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 4,883
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7989127
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cptcuddlepants/pseuds/cptcuddlepants
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Being the second-in-command of the Death Knights (or third-in-command, if you count the Lich King) isn't as cracked up as it might seem. As if herding rowdy subordinates and battling against a literal Legion of invaders wasn't bad enough, Highlord Darion Mograine finds himself saddled with the responsibility of advising the newly appointed Deathlord.</p><p>It's enough to give anyone a headache.</p><p>(Humor/parody chatfic. Contain spoilers for Legion zones and the Death Knight storyline up to Patch 7.0.3)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Apologies in advance if formatting comes out a little wonky, I haven't posted anything on this site before. I have no idea how it works.

Deathlord: Hello? Does this thing work? Can anyone hear me?

Darion Mograine: Yes, we can hear you. Why did you wait until now to test your communication brooch? You could have asked the archivist yesterday.

Deathlord: Because I'm in a meeting with Khadgar and his mages and I need something to do.

Thassarian: Generally, when you are in a meeting, something you should be doing is _paying attention_.

Deathlord: That's the very last thing I want to do at the moment. I'm bored. I want to kill some demons.

Darion Mograine: Really? You're _bored?_ Are you a Death Knight, or a daydreaming schoolchild?

Deathlord: Yes.

Darion Mograine: The fate of Azeroth may hinge on the information shared in these meetings! Take this seriously!

Deathlord: You'd think the fate of Azeroth would hinge on slaying demons, not listening to a funny old man who can turn into a bird.

* * *

 

Darion Mograine: Deathlord.

Deathlord: What?

Darion Mograine: What happened to killing some demons?

Deathlord: I'll get to that in a moment.

Darion Mograine: The Illidari need you in Azsuna as soon as possible. Is slaughtering animals en masse more important than the task at hand?

Deathlord: Slaughtering animals en masse _is_ the task at hand. 

Darion Mograine: ...

Deathlord: Besides, I heard there's a Pandaren in Dalaran who can supposedly make a mean rack of ribs and I wanted to see if that was true, but he needs some ingredients to work with. I figured I'd get him the fresh stuff. Don't worry, I'll kill those demons. Tell the Illidari to sit tight.

Deathlord: Come to think of it... if they die, we can just raise them as ghouls. No big deal.

Darion Mograine: Are you serious right now?

Thassarian: No, he isn't.

Darion Mograine: Good. I was about to -

Thassarian: He's slaughtering animals right now.

* * *

 

Darion Mograine: Amal'thazad, you're in command of Acherus until we return.

Amal'thazad: Is something the matter?

Darion Mograine: Thassarian and I are escorting the Deathlord to Durotar. He is tasked with carrying out the Lich King's will, and we are sworn to serve him.

Amal'thazad: What a nice young man.

Amal'thazad: Travelling to that awful dustbowl to help his papa.

Darion Mograine: ...

Amal'thazad: They grow up so quickly.

Darion Mograine: ...

Amal'thazad: Look after him, won't you?

Darion Mograine: ...I will do my duty.


	2. Chapter 2

Unknown Orc: BLOOD AND THUNDER, MY BROTHERS AND SISTERS!

Unknown Orc: I HAVE JOINED YOUR RANKS TO PARTAKE IN GLORIOUS BATTLE!

Unknown Orc: WE WILL CRUSH THE LEGION! THEY WILL FLEE BEFORE US!

Deathlord: Nazgrim, I know you're excited, but use your "inside voice" when speaking with the champions, please.

Nazgrim: THIS IS MY INSIDE VOICE!

Deathlord: I don't think you know what an "inside voice" is...

Thassarian: The funny thing is, his normal voice isn't nearly this loud.

Nazgrim: I AM TALKING TO ALL OF YOU _INSIDE_ MY HEAD.

Deathlord: Can you at least think a little more quietly? I can't hear myself talk.

* * *

 

Amal'thazad to Darion Mograine: Are you well?

Darion Mograine to Amal'thazad: No.

Amal'thazad to Darion Mograine: What is the matter, young one? Are you hurt? Shall I send for a Blood disciple?

Darion Mograine to Amal'thazad: Only if the disciple can get that orc to shut up.

* * *

 

Nazgrim: LOK'TAR, DEATHLORD! ARE YOU RIDING TO BATTLE?

Deathlord: Not this time.

Nazgrim: ALLOW ME TO JOIN YOU!

Deathlord: You can if you want to, but I'm just going fishing. That Pandaren burned the basket of meat I let him experiment with, so I'm getting him more ingredients.

Nazgrim: THEN WE SHALL CRUSH OUR PATHETIC FOES TOGETHER! THE SALMON WILL TREMBLE BEFORE OUR MIGHT!

* * *

Darion Mograine to Deathlord: I am loathe to refute your will, Deathlord, but can we put the orc back where we found him?

Deathlord to Darion Mograine: The Lich King wouldn't be happy if we did. Look on the bright side, though - he could've told us to raise Garrosh.

Darion Mograine to Deathlord: ...

* * *

Deathlord: Can someone make sure Darion's okay? He's flopped over the command table with his face in a stack of reports.


	3. Chapter 3

Deathlord: Ugh.

Deathlord: The supplies I just gave to that Pandaren? Burned to cinders. Again.

Deathlord: So! This means I'm going to -

Darion Mograine: To get back to your duties _as you should be doing?_

Deathlord: - have to fish up some more! Nazgrim, did you want to come?

Nazgrim: TO VICTORY, DEATHLORD! I SHALL FETCH MY FISHING ROD!

Thassarian: Maybe the Deathlord is hoping the third time will be lucky.

* * *

 

Amal'thazad: Oh my...

Amal'thazad: This is curious indeed.

Darion Mograine: What is it?

Amal'thazad: Why, there's a Pandaren on the porch!

Deathlord: A Pandaren? Is it wearing an apron, by any chance?

Amal'thazad: No, no. She's wearing robes.

Deathlord: Damn. No luck.

Amal'thazad: It seems she brought a friend with her. One of the Silver Hand! I do hope it's a social visit.

Darion Mograine: See that the intruders are removed. The living do not belong here.

Amal'thazad: And several the Illidari have stopped by! Aren't we popular today?

Darion Mograine: They need to go. _Now._ If they're not gone by the time I'm up there, we're going to have a few more ghouls around this place.

Amal'thazad: Patience, young one. Let them speak their piece. For all we know, they may have messages for us. Besides, they aren't doing any harm - dear me, I hope that's replacable... is the Grand Master Siegesmith available? His services may be needed shortly.

Darion Mograine: Why do these idiots have to show up when the Deathlord's not here to deal with them?

* * *

 

Thassarian: Hey, look, the Deathlord's back already. What's wrong? Did Nazgrim scare all the fish away?

Nazgrim: THEY FLED BEFORE MY PRESENCE! WE HAVE WON A GREAT VICTORY FOR THE H- FOR THE EBON BLADE! MAY THEIR ALLIES HEAR OF OUR TRIUMPH AND DESPAIR, FOR THEIR END IS UPON THEM!

Thassarian: ...I was kidding.

Deathlord: Nothing's wrong. We just had to call it quits early. The Lich King interrupted us.

Darion Mograine: I can't _possibly_ imagine why.

Deathlord: I had just gotten a nibble on my line when he was like, "Hello, my ducklings, are you ready for another adventure?" and I was all, "What kind of adventure?" and then he - Darion, your face is going to freeze like that someday.

Amal'thazad: Ah, the advantage of not having a face. Nobody knows when I'm scowling at them.

Deathlord: Anyway. Darion's face aside, the Lich King wants us to visit Stromgarde. We've got another Horseman to raise.

 

 


	4. Chapter 4

Nazgrim: HIGHLORD! I HAVE SOMETHING TO ASK YOU.

Darion Mograine: What is it?

Nazgrim: WHY AM I A HORSEMAN?

Darion Mograine: The Lich King willed it.

Nazgrim: YOU DO NOT UNDERSTAND. I AM AN ORC. WE RIDE FEARSOME WOLVES INTO BATTLE, NOT HORSES! I SHOULD HAVE A WOLF!

Darion Mograine: ...

Nazgrim: VERY WELL, HIGHLORD! I SHALL DEFEAT A MIGHTY WOLF AND IT SHALL SERVE ME IN UNDEATH! ARE THERE ANY AMONGST YOU WHO WILL JOIN ME FOR THIS HONOR?

Thoras Trollbane: Is he for real?

Nazgrim: I AM AS REAL AS IT GETS, THASSARIAN!

Thoras Trollbane: I'm not Thassarian. He left with the Deathlord a little while ago. I'm the new one, remember? Thoras Trollbane? Former king? The second Horseman you guys raised a little while ago?

Nazgrim: PFFT. YOU HUMANS ALL SOUND THE SAME.

Nazgrim: ANYWAY, ENOUGH CHATTER! UNTIL WE NEXT MEET, MY BROTHERS IN UNDEATH! SUFFER WELL! BLOOD AND THUNDER!

* * *

 

Thoras Trollbane: Back so soon, Nazgrim? Did you not manage to find a wolf?

Nazgrim: "THE WOLF RIDER AND THE THREE HORSEMEN" DOES NOT ROLL OFF THE TONGUE AS EASILY AS "THE FOUR HORSEMEN" DOES. I WILL SETTLE FOR A HORSE.

Thoras Trollbane: I'm, er, glad.

Nazgrim: AS AM I! HIGHLORD! I HAVE SOMETHING TO ASK YOU.

Darion Mograine: What is it this time?

Nazgrim: I HAVE BEEN THINKING ABOUT THE WAR CRY OF MY PEOPLE. "LOK'TAR OGAR" - VICTORY OR DEATH! SINCE WE ARE DEAD, IS VICTORY BEYOND OUR GRASP? TO DIE IS TO BE DEFEATED. THE DEFEATED CANNOT ATTAIN VICTORY. THE MERE THOUGHT OF IT DISGUSTS ME, BUT ARE WE DOOMED IN OUR WAR AGAINST THE LEGION? I SHALL FIGHT TO THE END AND DIE PROUDLY IF I MUST, AND IF -

Darion Mograine: I suggest you find something productive to do before I take it upon myself to give you an assignment.

* * *

 

Nazgrim: HIGHLORD! I HAVE SOMETHING TO ASK YOU.

Darion Mograine: This had better be good.

Nazgrim: HAS THE DEATHLORD RETURNED YET?

Darion Mograine: No.

Nazgrim: WELL, HE SHOULD HURRY BACK.

Darion Mograine: The Deathlord will return when his business has concluded, and not a moment sooner.

Nazgrim: NO, THIS IS IMPORTANT.

Nazgrim: I PASSED BY THE TAVERN WE DELIVERED FISH AND MEAT TO AS I RETURNED TO ACHERUS.

Darion Mograine: How is this important, pray tell?

Nazgrim: SMOKE WAS BILLOWING FROM ITS FRONT DOOR.

Darion Mograine: And why exactly should - is that a death gate?

Nazgrim: AH! THE DEATHLORD RETURNS!

Nazgrim: AH! THE DEATHLORD DEPARTS FOR DALARAN!

Darion Mograine: If I ever meet the Lich King in person, the first thing I'm going to ask him is why he chose this idiot to lead us.

 


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for the comments and kudos!

Thassarian: We're back.

Darion Mograine: I trust your expedition went well?

Thassarian: Not trying to complain, but the Deathlord could've waited until the coast was clear before tearing off to Dalaran.

Darion Mograine: I will bring it up with him later. He needs to learn what his priorities are, among many other things.

Darion Mograine: ...Many, many, many other things.

Thassarian: At least we managed to rescue Koltira. He'll be okay, right?

Darion Mograine: The Blood disciplies should be able to put him back together.

Thassarian: Good.

Thassarian to Darion Mograine: If they can't, I'm going to drag the Deathlord to the Undercity myself and lock _him_ in a cage. See how he likes it.

* * *

 

Thassarian: Don't use the teleporter to the upper level. The Deathlord's lost it.

Nazgrim: THE ENTIRE UPPER LEVEL OF ACHERUS IS GONE?!

Darion Mograine: It's a figure of speech. Did something happen?

Thassarian: I think it has something to do with that Pandaren he keeps giving food to. He's been storming around for the better part of an hour, shouting at the air and scaring the ghouls.

Thassarian: "Nomi could burn a fruit salad!"

Thassarian: "He burns so much stuff the Silver Hand named him the Ashbringer!"

Darion Mograine: ...I regret asking.

Thassarian: "Nomi could light a bowl of water ablaze!"

Thoras Trollbane: But the water would extinguish the fire.

Thassarian: That's the joke.

Thassarian: "The fire alarm is not a timer that tells you when the food is done! You're supposed to take the food off the stove before the fire alarm goes off!"

Thassarian: "He should give up on being an apprentice chef and join the Kirin Tor as an apprentice pyromancer!"

Thoras Trollbane: If he's as good at burning things as the Deathlord claims he is, they might let him in as a full-fledged pyromancer.

Thassarian: "When Ragnaros was defeated, his spirit travelled to Pandaria and possessed Nomi!"

Thassarian: "Sargeras is renaming his army 'The Nomi Legion' as we speak!"

Darion Mograine: As amusing as you may find it, I suggest you remind him that he has more important matters to attend to. For example, the Illidari forces in Azsuna that are _still_ waiting for the aid he promised.

Deathlord: They spent several years trapped in crystal. I'm sure they're very patient individuals by now.


	6. Chapter 6

Darion Mograine: Deathlord... what is _that_?

Deathlord: It's called "Light's Heart". Despite its name, it's a lot heavier than it looks. Someone grab the other end?

Thoras Trollbane: Here, let me - ow. It burns. Where did you find that thing?

Deathlord: Under the sea, held tightly in the loving embrace of a giant.

Thoras Trollbane: ...I'm going to go wash my hands.

Darion Mograine: Why bring it here, of all places?

Deathlord: Khadgar told me to take it with me and keep it someplace safe.

Thassarian: And "someplace safe" happens to be full of undead, who are highly uncomfortable, at best, in the presence of the Light.

Deathlord: I think it's supposed to be a reverse psychology trick. If the Legion's looking for something called Light's Heart, the last place they'll look is a fortress full of unholy monstrosities.

Thoras Trollbane: That's actually a pretty good idea.

Darion Mograine: Very well. Keep it secure, and away from high-traffic areas. If it causes any trouble, tell Khadgar he can find another safe place to store it.

* * *

Thassarian to Deathlord: Are you _really_ giving more food to that Pandaren? After he's burned the past few shipments?

Deathlord to Thassarian: Shhhh.

* * *

 

Deathlord: These Illidari... how do they stand each other?

Thassarian: A lot of hard liquor, I think.

Deathlord: I mean, here I am, a simple death knight -

Darion Mograine: "Simple" is more accurate than he could ever imagine...

Deathlord: - looking for a snack, so I approach the provisioner at an Illidari camp and as I walk up he gives me this _look_ and snarls "I've sacrificed EVERYTHING! What have you given?" and I'm like, "Whoa, what did I do to you? I just want to buy something!"

Nazgrim: HAH! SERVES YOU RIGHT! A TRUE WARRIOR PACKS HIS OWN LUNCH!

Thassarian: In a purple "Murky the Murloc" lunchbox, right, Nazgrim?

Nazgrim: ... I KNOW NOTHING OF SUCH A VILE OBJECT.

Deathlord: I'd pack my own lunch if a certain Pandaren hadn't, you know, burned it to charcoal.

Nazgrim: THE SOLUTION IS SIMPLE, DEATHLORD!

Nazgrim: YOU MUST TAKE IT UPON YOURSELF TO TEACH THAT PANDAREN HOW TO COOK!

Nazgrim: IMPALE HIM UPON A SPIT AND SLOW-ROAST HIM OVER AN OPEN FIRE!

Nazgrim: AND WHEN HE'S DONE, YOU MAY REVEL IN YOUR VICTORY AND BEGIN FEASTING UPON -

Darion Mograine: Nazgrim. No.

 


	7. Chapter 7

Deathlord: So, uh, it's great that Koltira's up and about, but why does Nazgrim keep giving him these "I'm going to rip out your spine" looks every time they walk past each other?

Koltira Deathweaver: It's not important.

Deathlord: It has to be important if Nazgrim starts growling like a mechano-hog whenever you show up.

Darion Mograine: He has a point. The Legion will take advantage of any weaknesses. We must stand united. Keep your squabbles private.

Koltira Deathweaver: He's pissed off because of some choices I've made in the past.

Nazgrim: DO NOT PUT WORDS IN MY MOUTH, TRAITOR, OR YOU WILL FIND MY BLADE DOWN YOUR THROAT - WIPE THAT SMIRK OFF YOUR FACE, ELF, OR MY FISTS WILL WIPE YOUR FACE OFF YOUR SKULL.

Koltira Deathweaver: Orcish flirtations aside, he heard of the Banshee Queen's displeasure towards my actions in Andorhal. Nazgrim was a staunch soldier of the Horde in life, and death as well, it seems. In his eyes, I _am_ a traitor.

Thassarian: You did the right thing, brother.

Koltira Deathweaver: I know.

Deathlord: _Orcis_ _h_ flirtations... right...

* * *

 

Deathlord: I have eight spare recipes for crispy bacon. Does anyone want one?

Thassarian: Why do you even need a recipe for bacon? Heat pan on a hot fire, put bacon in pan, cook until crispy. It's simple.

Deathlord: That's a very good question, actually...

Thassarian to Deathlord: You got those recipes from your Pandaren friend, didn't you?

Deathlord to Thassarian: I might have.

Thassarian to Deathlord: How long does it say to fry the bacon for?

Deathlord to Thassarian: Eight hours. Why?

* * *

 

Thoras Trollbane: What troubles you, Deathlord?

Deathlord: It's those Illidari again. I just don't get them.

Thoras Trollbane: Want to talk about it? What happened?

Deathlord: _*sighs*_ It was just like the last time I was at an Illidari camp. I was in line at the bat handler, and -

Koltira Deathweaver: I feel like I've heard this one before...

Deathlord: - and when I approach her, she says it.

Thoras Trollbane: What did she say?

Deathlord: "I've sacrified everything! What have you given?"

Thoras Trollbane: Not the best way to greet someone, I have to admit.

Deathlord: I know, right? I threw some coins at her and replied, "Three gold. I'd like a fel bat to Dalaran."

Koltira Deathweaver: This reminds me of a troll I once had the misfortune of conversing with. When I greeted him, he told me to "come get the voodoo"... and when we parted ways, he told me to "stay away from the voodoo".

Thoras Trollbane: Sounds like a troll.

Deathlord: How'd you resolve that?

Koltira Deathweaver: Simple. I punched him in the face.

Deathlord: Hmm...

* * *

 

Amal'thazad to Darion Mograine: Does something ail you, Highlord? I cannot recall ever seeing you trip and fall before.

Darion Mograine to Amal'thazad: I feel like someone has set a chain of potentially disastrous events into motion.


	8. Chapter 8

Darion Mograine: Deathlord, you have exactly one minute to explain yourself.

Deathlord: I'm just a dead guy that the Lich King chose to do some kind of important things?

Darion Mograine: No. You know exactly what I mean.

Deathlord: I do?

Darion Mograine: You are setting a terrible example for the new Horseman.

Sally Whitemane: Something tells me that I shouldn't get involved. Highlord, please leave me out of this, whatever "this" might be.

Deathlord: I'm not telling the other death knights to follow in my footsteps. Actually, I think they follow _you_ more than anyone else.

Darion Mograine: That is beside the point!

Deathlord: No, no, wait! Hold on a moment! If the death knights look to you for guidance, does that make you a parental figure to the Ebon Blade? Like our grumpy, strict, but well-meaning father?

Thassarian: Dad-rion Mograine.

Darion Mograine: ...

Thassarian: How about Darion Mom-graine? No? Wait! Hold on! I didn't mean - no no no NO NO -

Deathlord: Wow. He really doesn't like being called that.

* * *

 

Koltira Deathweaver: This has to be a joke.

Darion Mograine: Has the Kirin Tor lost their minds? Have they run out of apprentices and servants to send on errands?

Nazgrim: WE ARE MIGHTY WARRIORS! THIS TASK IS BENEATH US!

Koltira Deathweaver: For once, I think he's right.

Thoras Trollbane: What's wrong?

Koltira Deathweaver: See for yourself.

Thoras Trollbane: ...

Thoras Trollbane: Words fail me.

Nazgrim: IT IS AN INSULT! I HAVE HALF A MIND TO -

Koltira Deathweaver: Half? That's awfully generous.

Nazgrim: WHAT?

Koltira Deathweaver: Precisely.

Darion Mograine: Enough. I will take this up with the Kirin Tor. If they truly need Azeroth's mightiest heroes to handle this task, they should have gone to the druids, or sent a request to Trueshot Lodge. This is something best suited for their skills, not ours. What possessed them to ask _death knights_ to assist with re-homing puppies?

Sally Whitemane: I was promised redemption for my deeds, not puppies.

Sally Whitemane: I suppose puppies will do, though. Puppies can make anything better, even undeath.

Koltira Deathweaver: We are not a shelter. This is ridiculous.

Deathlord: Can you stop griping and get a move on? I really want a corgi.

* * *

Thassarian: So, uh, the view is pretty great, but could someone get me down from here?

Thassarian: Hello?

Thassarian: Koltira? Highlord? Anyone?

Thassarian: At least untie my arms so I can death gate back...

 


	9. Chapter 9

Nazgrim: TO ARMS, BROTHERS AND SISTERS!

Nazgrim: WE ARE UNDER ATTACK! THE HONORLESS KALDOREI HAVE SENT A SPY TO INFILTRATE OUR SANCTUM!

Amal'thazad: Lady Whiskers is no spy, I assure you.

Nazgrim: DO NOT BE DECEIVED BY THEIR DUPLICITY! STRIKE THE BEAST DOWN BEFORE IT RETURNS HOME TO SHARE OUR SECRETS WITH ITS KEEPERS!

Amal'thazad: There will be none of that, boy. Calm down.

Darion Mograine: ... "Lady Whiskers"?

Amal'thazad: Yes, Highlord. My cat.

Darion Mograine: Your cat.

Amal'thazad: Well, the Deathlord has a puppy, and I thought it would -

Darion Mograine: Remove it.

Amal'thazad: I beg your pardon?

Darion Mograine: Remove the cat.

Thoras Trollbane: Let's not, please?

Koltira Deathweaver: I concur. Let's not.

Sally Whitemane: The cat isn't doing any harm to us.

Deathlord: Yeah, it's about as harmful as my puppy, which is _not at all_.

Amal'thazad: Highlord, have you forgotten that Kel'thuzad kept a cat in Naxxramas?

Darion Mograine: And?

Amal'thazad: I fail to see why I must send Lady Whiskers away. Mr. Bigglesworth did not interfere at all with the day-to-day business of Naxxramas.

Deathlord: I'm pretty sure I'm the highest ranking death knight here, and I say we let the kitty stay.

Darion Mograine: _*sigh*_

Nazgrim: THIS IS A BETRAYAL!

Sally Whitemane: Oh, hush, Nazgrim. You only don't like her because she sleeps in your lunchbox.

Nazgrim: THAT IS NOT MY LUNCHBOX.

Sally Whitemane: Really, now? Then why does it say "gernal nazgirm" under the murloc?

Nazgrim: ... THE CAT WROTE IT.

Darion Mograine: Enough. The cat stays. Let this be an end to the bickering.

Amal'thazad: Excellent! I knew you'd agree with me, Highlord! Thassarian, a favor? Can you take over teaching the Frost disciples for an hour or two? I need to fetch Snowball, Peanut, Panther, Mittens, and Cherry...

Darion Mograine: Hold on a moment...

Amal'thazad: I'm afraid I can't, Highlord! Thassarian? Thassarian! I don't want to leave the disciples waiting!

Thassarian: Cut me down from here first, you ninny.

* * *

 

Koltira Deathweaver: How long were you hanging from that spire?

Thassarian: A couple days. Remind me to never bring up those names around the Highlord ever again.

Deathlord: If it makes you feel any better, I thought they were good, and I will happily keep them in use.

Darion Mograine: Don't. You. _DARE_.

* * *

 

 

Amal'thazad: We're home! Where might our wayward Deathlord be hiding? I'd like him to meet my cats.

Thoras Trollbane: He's in time-out.

Amal'thazad: He's... pardon?

Thoras Trollbane: He's in time-out. Highlord Mograine's orders.

Amal'thazad: I see. What happened? Do I need to take the Deathlord aside for a lecture?

Thoras Trollbane: I don't think so. The Highlord already yelled at him - I could hear it from the other side of Acherus. If what I heard is correct, he and Koltira were adventuring through the isles when one of the Illidari confronted them.

Koltira Deathweaver: Confronted, indeed. We had barely crossed paths when the Illidari asked the exact question that sends the Deathlord into a rage.

Amal'thazad: Which one?

Koltira Deathweaver: "I've sacrificed everything! What have you given?"

Amal'thazad: Oh dear. I cannot imagine that going over well...

Koltira Deathweaver: It didn't go over well. The Deathlord pulled off his helmet, yelled "What does it LOOK like I've given, you idiot?" and punched the Illidari in the face.


	10. Chapter 10

Deathlord: Guys. Guys. GUYS.

Deathlord: Anyone want to hear the worst idea ever?

Darion Mograine: No.

Thassarian: Sure, I'll bite.

Deathlord: Let's attack Light's Hope Chapel!

Thassarian: ...Yeah, that's pretty high up on the list of Things Not To Do.

Koltira Deathweaver: Did you not learn from the first time we tried it?

Darion Mograine: Attacking Light's Hope Chapel was, is, and will always be a terrible idea.

Nazgrim: I HEARD THOUSANDS OF YOU WERE DEFEATED BY SEVERAL HUNDRED WEAK HUMANS LED BY AN OLD FOOL.

Thassarian: Pretty much.

Nazgrim: I LIKE THESE ODDS! DEATHLORD! WE RIDE! LOK'TAR OGAR!

Koltira Deathweaver: Nazgrim, we are _not_ attacking Light's Hope Chapel. Stand down or I will chain you to the wall.

Nazgrim: UH.

Nazgrim: ME NOT THAT KIND OF ORC.

Darion Mograine: Deathlord, you are correct. That is the worst idea I have ever heard out of you. Never bring it up again.

Deathlord: There's just one problem with that...

Thassarian: What, is the Lich King himself demanding an attack on Light's Hope Chapel?

Deathlord: Yep.

Thassarian: Ha. Good one. Wait - you're serious, aren't you?

Deathlord: Yep. He's got a fourth Horseman in mind, and we have to attack Light's Hope Chapel to raise him.

Koltira Deathweaver: ... I am going to see if my cage in the Undercity is still there. Everyone, I was never released. You never saw me here.

Thassarian: I'll go with you!

Thoras Trollbane: I'll be back later, I need to go yell at my son.

Sally Whitemane: Sorry, I can't help. I need to watch Amal'thazad's cats.

Nazgrim: YOU ARE ALL COWARDS.

Darion Mograine: I... er... I have to... I have a meeting. Yes. A meeting.

Deathlord: We don't really have a choice in this. The Lich King demanded it.

Darion Mograine: Did he really demand it, or did he just forcefully make a suggestion?

Deathlord: I'm pretty sure it was a demand. If "Tirion Fordring's ass will be mine" isn't a demand, I don't know what it is.

Darion Mograine: This cannot end well...

* * *

 

_Meanwhile, in the Lich King's helmet..._

Lich King: Think they're actually going to do it?

Lich King: Totally.

Lich King: Wow. That's messed up.

Lich King: I know, right? I'm _so_ evil.

 

* * *

 

Deathlord: Well... here we are. The Lich King owes us big time for this.

Darion Mograine: Our actions here will condemn us. There will be no redemption for our actions. What good will the Lich King's satisfaction do when our hands are stained with the blood of righteous men and women?

Deathlord: He's agreed to install a hot tub in Acherus. Anyway, here's the plan: I'm going to slip inside. You guys make a disturbance and I'll create some ghouls as a distraction. Then, when the paladins are busy, the rest of you sneak in and we'll raise Tirion. Sound good?

Sally Whitemane: I suppose so.

Thoras Trollbane: We don't have a choice, do we?

Deathlord: Not unless we want to piss off the Lich King. Nazgrim, you heard the plan, right? Nazgrim?

Thoras Trollbane: By the Light, he just ran in!

Nazgrim: WHICH OF YOU COWARDS IS STRONG ENOUGH TO FACE ME?!?!!

Deathlord: Nazgrim, what part of "sneak inside" did you have trouble understanding?

Nazgrim: OUR FOES CANNOT DETECT US IF THEY ARE DEAD!

Thoras Trollbane: Hey, look on the bright side! He's making a pretty good disturbance, isn't he? They won't notice us!

Deathlord: Asphyxiating paladins wasn't part of the plan!

Nazgrim: SILVER HAND, MEET MY EBON DEATH GRIP!

Nazgrim to Deathlord: DO NOT TELL THE ELF THAT I _AM_ THAT KIND OF ORC.

Deathlord to Nazgrim: That's going in my "nope" pile along with the Lich King's fixation on Tirion's ass.

Sally Whitemane: Deathlord! The Silver Hand is launching a counterattack!

Deathlord: Okay! Screw it! We're moving out! Nazgrim! Keep choking them! Other Horsemen, look scary! Darion! Do that thing you do really well! I'm heading for the altar!

Darion Mograine: This cannot end well...

 


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the long lack of updates. Here's a rather late installment, brought to you by more coffee than I probably should drink in an entire week. Enjoy! c[_]

Deathlord: Ow.

Deathlord: That... did not go as planned.

Deathlord: Then again, SOMEONE _*cough* Nazgrim *cough*_ took my plans and threw them out the window... Head count. Who's here?

Sally Whitemane: Me.

Thoras Trollbane: Me.

Nazgrim: THE ONLY THING I THREW OUT THE WINDOW WAS ONE OF THOSE PALADINS! DID YOU HEAR HIM SCREAM? HAHAHAHA!

Sally Whitemane: No, we were busy being slow-roasted by the Light.

Deathlord: Does anyone know where Darion is? Last thing I remember, he was pulling me through a death gate... oh.

Deathlord: Oh. This isn't good.

Thoras Trollbane: He isn't moving. Is he...

Deathlord: Stand back. I'm going to poke him.

Sally Whitemane: I think he is.

Thoras Trollbane: He made a noble sacrifice.

Sally Whitemane: He will be - Deathlord! Put the stick away! You've poked him enough!

Deathlord: Lich King! You owe us big time for this!

Lich King: It was just a prank, bro!

Deathlord: It stops being a prank when someone dies!

Lich King: No, really. I just wanted to see if you guys were actually crazy enough to crash the paladins' basement.

Lich King: Tell you what. I'll give you the power to raise Big D over here, I'll have the hot tub installed, and we'll call it even. Deal?

Thoras Trollbane: ... "Big D"?

Deathlord: It's a deal.

Lich King: Where do you want the hot tub?

Deathlord: On top of Acherus.

Lich King: Done and done. Tell Big D that he'll be my last Horseman once he's awake.

Deathlord: Will do.

Lich King: Splendid. I'll see you later, my ducklings.

Deathlord: Wait - before you go, does this mean that you were just joking about Tirion's ass belonging to you?

Sally Whitemane: Did you _really_ have to ask that?!

Lich King: Nope. I was a hundred percent serious.

Nazgrim: WHAT

Deathlord: ...

Deathlord: On that note, I'm going to wake Darion up. I'm sure he'll be thrilled by the new hot tub. And his promotion, too, I guess.

* * *

 

Thoras Trollbane: Is Highlord Mograine awake yet?

Koltira Deathweaver: I'm not sure. I saw the Deathlord taking him through the portal to Dalaran.

Thoras Trollbane: Dalaran? Why there, of all places?

Koltira Deathweaver: I don't know. Thassarian? What do you say we investigate?

Thassarian: Sure, why not?

Sally Whitemane: I imagine they're handling diplomatic matters. The paladins are infuriated by our recent actions. Perhaps it would be best to wait for their return.

Thassarian: If the Deathlord is handling diplomatic matters, he needs all the help we can give him.

* * *

 

_In Dalaran_

Koltira Deathweaver to Thassarian: ...Is he really...

Thassarian to Koltira Deathweaver: Looks like it.

Koltira Deathweaver to Thassarian: I suppose we should put a stop to this.

Thassarian to Koltira Deathweaver: Yes, you probably should.

Koltira Deathweaver: Deathlord.

Deathlord: Yes?

Koltira Deathweaver: Stop.

Deathlord: Stop what?

Koltira Deathweaver: Get out of that kitchen right this instant.

Deathlord: Why?

Koltira Deathweaver: Highlord Mograine is not food, you idiot. I don't care if he reminds you of that damned panda's cooking, stop trying to give him to Nomi because he "isn't well-done enough."


End file.
